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Things I found in my house today left randomly by my child

Now I’m 5 years into this parenting lark, I’ve become used to lots of stuff that I’d barely even thought of before I had a child; only ever knowing the names of people’s babies at parent-and-baby groups, human faeces – seeing, smelling and talking about it on a daily basis, tantrums, never being able to leave the house without shouting words like “toilet!” and “shoes!” at least seven times.

But unless you have one of those magical children who love tidiness and order, you’ll likely have experienced the phenomena I call “random children’s crap creep”.

My daughter has an innate talent of wandering into rooms, depositing her random possessions on available surfaces and then leaving. It’s like discrete fly tipping (only you can never throw away these items, because ARE YOU FUCKING MENTAL?!). If left unchecked, the crap creeps into other areas. Sometimes there are special crap collection zones where, in the space of a 24 hour period, unprecedented amounts of utter shite can pile up often causing anger (yours) or injury (also yours, fucking Lego and Schleich toys).

This post serves as a part-documentation, part-art-project on the random crap I found in my house today.

1// The Stinky Animals Are On My Fucking Bed Again

Noemi’s favourite bedtime foursome. They’re well-loved and infrequently-washed (hence “stinky”). Often there’s an individual animal that goes walkabout. Stinky Rabbit (the one far right), once disastrously got trapped under her mattress for a week. When I found her, I had to write a postcard saying she’d been to Spain.

 

2// Bracelet On Carpet

We’ll just ignore the state of our bedroom carpet here (threadbare. Moving on.). Noemi made this bracelet with a bead set she bought with some birthday vouchers. No idea why it’s on the floor in my room or how long it’s been there.

 

3// Floorasaurus

Another floor decoration. A Brachiasaurus. Great artwork. My bedroom floor is not the place to be displaying it, however.

 

4// Love Notes

Two felt hearts and a piece of paper that says only the words “daddy”. That’s it. Discarded artwork is a strong theme in our house, apparently.

 

5// Miscellaneous Nature

Kids love nature. They love it so much. I honestly wish shops could take acorns and dead daisies as currency because I’d be one rich bitch if that happened based on the state of my handbag. This fir cone is currently sitting on my kitchen worktop amongst a pile of paperwork and admin that I can’t be arsed to handle.

 

6// Whatever The Fuck This Is On My Bathroom Shelf

WHAT EVEN IS IT?! It looks like a tiny plastic hat in the style of Brian from East17. WHY?!

 

7// The Place That Everything Gets Left Because You Can’t Take It To School

I get it. Toys are exciting and you want to show your friends. But when the school have a clear “don’t bring in your own toys” policy (probably because this shit happens), I’m not going to let my child take her shit to school. So, everything gets left on the windowsill in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs. Currently it’s filled with: 1 x Fluttershy doll, 1 x annoying tweeting bird pet thing that records voices, 1 x Union flag, 1 x jam jar that at one point was being used as a pen pot on her desk (I am yet to find the pens that once resided inside it).

Ever-present reminders that YOU HAVE KIDS.